


Day&Night

by Kpoppinwonhoe



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:18:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kpoppinwonhoe/pseuds/Kpoppinwonhoe
Summary: As a trainee for Pledis, Seolhyun has always had it hard. She's been there from the very beginning, training the longest of all of them. Finally their debut is coming up and she wants nothing more than to make it together with her teammates. First she needs to tackle the problem of boys and the ban on dating in her company. Before she debuts, someone she knows calls her up again. Wonho is her childhood friend, to whom she can talk about this life and all the hardships it brought, but first she needs to trust him again. But what happens when that friendship gets to another level?





	1. Prologue

SeolHyun's POV

Life has always been difficult, in a million kind of ways. But when the chance at change comes, you need to grab it with your two hands and never let go. At least that's what I always thought when I was little. 

The only person who actually mattered to me was a boy. A single boy who lived next door. We went to school together and basically did everything together. People called us twins because we wouldn't let go of each other. He was my protector, the one I ran to whenever things got bad. And they often did. He was a couple years older than me, but he didn't care. He acted like the older brother I never had, the one I needed so badly. 

"Come here, Seol, it's going to be alright", he would whisper into my ear while holding me. He'd cover my ears so I wouldn't hear all the bad things. His voice soothed me and always calmed me down when I was at my worst. When they were at their worst. 

One fine day we were walking down the main street of where we lived. There was lots to see during the holidays. That was also the day he was taken from me. They scouted him on the streets and asked if he'd want to join their label. He had never wanted to do anything more than sing and dance in front of people. That was the only thing on his mind, next to me. 

"Will you be okay while I'm gone?" he asked me the night before he had to leave his home for Seoul. 

"I will try. Can I call you whenever it gets though?" I asked him with tears in my eyes. I was 14 years old at the time. 

"Of course, I'll always be here for you", he reassured me by patting on my head. I would always just be the little sister. 

The day he left was one of the worst days in my life. My lifeline and best friend were gone all at once. We did call once in a while until he got really busy with training. He didn't pick up his phone half of the time and things were not getting any better for me. The first year was the hardest. But I learned how to live without him. 

One day I traveled to Seoul to actually look for him. Things had gotten worse, they were about to crush me and he didn't pick up his phone. I bought a ticket with all the money I had and packed up some stuff to go. No one even noticed me being gone. I never thought Seoul was this big of a city, but it was. Finding him was harder than I'd ever imagined. People were looking at the 16 year old girl that was wandering the streets with a full backpack. Suddenly someone tapped on my shoulder. She was older than me and looked very friendly. 

"I'm sorry, but you're a very beautiful girl", she told me and I smiled a little shyly. No one ever called me that. "I'm a scout for Pledis Entertainment and I'm looking for girls for this new group. Would you be interested in performing something for us?" 

"M-m-me?" I stumbled over my words. 

"Yes, here is my card. But you could come right now if you have the time? They're holding auditions", I went with her. She wasn't lying, there were a lot of people there. They all looked beautiful to me. I was allowed to cut the line and go in before anyone else. 

"I picked her up on the streets, she's very beautiful, no?" she asked her bosses and they smiled at me. 

"What is your name and age?" one of the men asked me. 

"Kim Seolhyun, 16", I mumbled and they smiled. 

"Can you sing or dance? Preferably both?" another asked while nodding. 

"I can dance. I'm in a dance school at home..." I stated and he was happy. "I can try to sing?" 

The woman from earlier pushed a microphone into my hands. The only song that came to mind was Eyes, Nose, Lips by Taeyang. I started singing and they all nodded. After I was done they clapped. 

"That was very good", the one at the corner told me. "Now for the dance..." 

I plugged in my iPod and put on a song we always rehearsed to back at home. It was one of my personal favorites: SHINee's Lucifer. I started out the original choreo and in the end I switched back to the one we always used at home. The dance didn't last all too long. They clapped again. 

"What would you think about joining?" 

"I would like that", I nodded. 

"We should call your parents", they said and I gave them their number. They wouldn't care about me being here at all, I was the source of all their problems anyways. They gave their consent without hesitating as I expected. And that was how I was recruited into this new life of hardships. 

If only I could talk to Hoseok. I read somewhere he went by the name 'Wonho' now.


	2. Chapter 2

SeolHyun's POV

It's been a few years now, I've just turned 19 last month. I'm the oldest in the group of trainees we have and kind of the mother to these kids. We all still have so much to learn. I gave up on contacting Hoseok ever since I became a trainee, I'd see him when I would debut. He is going to be blow away by me. If he even remembers who I am in the first place. His name is Wonho now, so I guess I'll have to call him that from now on too. 

He survived the show 'No Mercy'. All the girls in the dorm were addicted to the show and made me watch it with them. There was some kind of pride in seeing him win from all the others. His dancing skills are still on par, but his singing has improved a lot too. I remember him in the past, not being able to hit a single note when he should. Vocal coaches must have helped him a lot during his trainee days. They debuted a few months ago with 'Trespass' and again: all the girls were crazy about it. I can still hear them fangirling and saying how much they like Monsta X. They're slowly becoming the next big thing. 

Wonho's looks have improved a lot too. I can hardly recognise the boy who used to protect me. His personality has changed a little too, at least that's what I think since we haven't talked in 3 years. He used to be so carefree and didn't give a damn about what people thought, but now he's all into his looks and making people fall for him. I wonder if he's like that in private too. Of course I'll never really know. 

We passed by each other once. It was about a year ago when they just finished 'No Mercy'. We were all on a rookie shoot for a magazine and they were going to be the cover. He didn't recognise me at all. He walked past me and talked to his teammates all the time. It disappointed me to see him like that, it hurt. And to be honest: I want him to see who I am right now. 

Trainee days are hard. We get up early to practice and go to bed late to sleep. Our days consist of dancing and vocal training for approximately 15 hours. Breaks are almost forbidden, but no one complains. We all want to get to the top one day, we all want to be number one. No matter what it takes, no matter the stakes. If we're going to try and get there, we have to put in the effort in doing so. 

This morning we have a meeting with our manager. He's been taking care of us for about half a year now. He's the good kind of manager who makes sure we're all healthy and eating properly. We're meeting in the practice room so everyone can fit. There are 15 of us, so finding a room is pretty hard nowadays. When I started there were only 6 of us. 5 of them moved on, I'm the only original here at this time. 

"As you guys now, Seventeen have been doing well in their promotions. They even won an award last week!" he announces and we all clap and yell. Seventeen have been here for as long as me, most of them anyways. I know them pretty well by now. "That's why Pledis has decided to release a new group. A girl group this time. Some of you have been here for a while and are just dying to debut." 

Everyone looks at me and I laugh a little. Of course I'm dying, I'm 19 for god's sake. I'm not getting any younger and what other company would take a trainee as old as me. It's now or never for me. 

"This group will contain 7 members", he explains and everyone starts whining. Not all of us will be able to stay together. "I know.. We've chosen you on the pure fact of talent. The rest of you will have to keep training!" 

We all look at each other. This means the dorms will change and the overall dynamic too. It's never easy to see people go. Take it from someone who has seen everyone go. 

"I will now announce the members: MiNa, EunHa, SooMi, YeonA, MiJin, JiHee and last but not least Seolhyun!" I'm not that surprised to hear my name. We all get up and look at one another. It's weird that we'll be forming a group from now on, but I will try my absolute best. MiNa is my best friend here anyways. "Seolhyun will also be the leader of this group. She has been here the longest and I see how you girls listen to her." 

The girls all clap and some of them are crying. Of course it's a huge letdown when some of us can debut and you're not one of them. Everyone agrees that I'm the best choice for leadership and I smile. These girls are like children to me and to be able to lead them is a great honor. 

"I'll try to do my best in leading you!" I bow to my band members and they bow back. 

"I'll miss you Seolhyun eomma", a few of the other say and it kind of breaks my heart to leave them behind. 

"I won't be completely gone. If you need me I'm just a phone call away", it reminds me of a certain someone who didn't keep that promise. 

We hug it out and in the end we're being lead away from the other girls. Everyone is chatting nervously. We don't know what will be happening next. We're brought into a dim lit room. There's a table and chairs in the middle. Our manager motions for us to sit down in the seats. We do as we're told and look at each other. 

"Well as of now I won't be your manager anymore. Your new manager will come in and introduce himself. In the meantime I want to congratulate you guys on making it this far. You've all done your absolute best. I can only wish you luck in the future!" he tells us and we wipe away some tears. It's all going to be very foreign now without someone to help us like him. He bows and leaves the room.

EunHa is the first of all of us to speak. "Am I the only one who is super excited?" she asks us and we all shake our heads. 

"I kind of feel sorry for the others though..." YeonA starts. She's the youngest of this group and will become the maknae. She's a very compassionate person who cares for everyone. 

"Me too. But we can't feel bad about this, we were chosen", MiNa states and we nod again. 

"We'll make the best out of this, plus we have SeolHyun to guide us!" SooMi says, making me blush a little. 

"Yah!" I tell her while whacking her arm playfully. 

"It's true!" MiJin states at last and I smile again. 

"Thanks for your trust in me!" 

JiHee is the only one who stays quiet after all our conversations. I know she has a hard time because she had to leave her little sister. It's always hard to be separated from someone you hold so dearly. I once dealt with the same type of thing. 

I move over to the chair beside her and take her hand in mine. 

"She'll be okay. I promise", I whisper while the others talk on about what clothes they are going to wear once they have a little money. 

"I hope so. You know how shy she is... I just hate leaving her alone like this", she whispers back. No one here, besides me, knows just how close she is with her sister. 

"We'll check on her regularly. We can even ask manager-nim to give us information about her?" I suggest and a little smile appears on her lips. 

"You really are a good leader, you know that?" she compliments me and I blush heavily. 

"I just try to do my best for my band members. That's all", I wink and she laughs a little. 

After that the new manager comes inside. His name is Sungmin and he's only 25 years old. He's not new in this profession, but it'll be his first time working with a girl group. He seems like a pretty decent guy who wants to take care of us. 

"We'll be in your care, then, Sungmin-nim", I get up and bow out of respect. The rest of the group do the same thing and he smiles. 

"Seems like your leader knows her way around!" his smile widens. "Now let's talk shop. You're going to get styled and your make-up is going to get done today. A press-conference is scheduled for this afternoon so you can be presented to the press. A photo shoot will be done too and you're going to start recording your debut song. I know it's a lot in one day, but trust me, it'll all be worth it. They want to debut you by the beginning of next month."

The beginning of next month is in 4 weeks. It'll have to make do. We've been training for this all our lives, I think we are more than ready to start our new lives. We all nod in agreement while he hands out some papers. They're instructions on what we can and can't do until we debut. It's a whole list of things we can't do. Like eating carbs and speaking to the press without supervision. It's kind of ridiculous. 

But all of this will be worth in the end. I am sure of it. The girls looks to me for further guidance but I have none to give at this time. 

"You will be transported to your new dorms a few blocks away. It'll be next to the boys of Seventeen", he tells us next. "You'll get two hours to clear your stuff and move there, starting in a few hours." 

Our own dorms! How nice is that even?! We all smile widely. Back at our old dorms we used to fight for space, but this will be different. 

"SeolHyun, your entrance exams will be postponed by 2 months. We already talked with the commission and they approved since you always have good grades", he makes sure I know. It's good that I won't have to study. 

We're transported to do our make-up and clothing. Since we're all almost over legal age we get short skirts and dresses. Mine is a black tight skirt with a pink top to accentuate my brown hair. They even put in blue contact lenses. I'm surprised when I look into the mirror. The red heels top it off and I feel like someone else, more mature. I blush at the sight of myself and everyone claps at me. The others get other classy looks, but look mature too. 

Next thing we know we're being lead out into a brightly lit room with a lot of people in it. We sit down at a table with our manager and look out over the crowd. It's all so overwhelming. The manager starts speaking and introduces us as H&K (Hugs and Kisses). I'm kind of happy with the name, there are way worse names than that out there. After that we get the chance to introduce ourselves one by one. We go from youngest to oldest. Usually the leaders ends as well, since I'm both I'm last. It's finally my turn. 

"Hello, I'm Kim SeolHyun! The leader of H&K! I hope you will support us through our debut!" I bow and then flash them my biggest smile. Camera's go off and I try to look pretty. 

After that we're lead backstage again. He congratulates us with our outstanding performance. Next thing we know we're on our way back to the dorms to clean up. 

1 new text message

Hoseok

Was that you on TV right now? Debuting with that new group? Please let me know. x Hoseok 

Me: 

That was me indeed. 

read: 10:08 am 

Hoseok: 

Wow! You've grown up so much! I didn't know you were in Seoul! 

Me: 

There's a lot you don't know about me these days. 

read: 10:10 am 

Hoseok: 

Don't be like that. I'm sorry. Let's meet up to catch up. 

Me: 

How about no? 

read: 10:13 am 

Hoseok: 

Come on. I really want to talk to you. And say sorry in person. 

Me: 

Fine, meet me tonight at the fountain in front of my company 

read: 10:18 am

Hoseok: 

I'll be the one wearing black


	3. Chapter 3

Wonho's POV

The TV is one for once in the practice room. It's weird to be able to watch it while sitting around and eating something. Normally we don't get this much time off and our comeback is coming up soon too. Jooheon thought it was time for some relaxation so he put it on.

"Hey look! They're announcing a new girl group!" Minhyuk says and I tune in to see too. Apparently Pledis entertainment is finally coming up with a girl group. Good for them.

"I wonder if the girls are cute", I.M. says with a sheepish look on his face. He may be the youngest, but he has the dirtiest mind you could ever imagine.

"Shhhh, it's about to begin!" Jooheon shushes us all while looking at the screen. For some reason they all are. I join in, maybe they're cute?

The girls step out on stage and they really are cute. There's 7 of them, like there are 7 of us. Cute. They look a bit out of place except of one person. She looks like she's been doing this all along, like she was meant to do it. As I look closer she kind of looks familiar to me. She's the member who has the least clothes on too, to show off her legs that go on for days apparently.

One by one they say their name and what their position will be in the new band. Which is called H&K, short for Hugs and Kissed. Again: cute. The last one is always the leader, the girl with the legs for days.

"Hello, I'm Kim SeolHyun! The leader of H&K! I hope you will support us through our debut!" She flashes the crowd a big smile while my mouth drops open.

Little SeolHyun, my little SeolHyun is on tv. And she is the leader of a new girl group. Not to mention I was fawning over her just a few seconds ago. How in the name of hell did this happen? Last time I ever saw her was 5 years ago when I left home. The last time we spoke was 3 years ago when I stopped checking my phone because of being too busy. I never even checker her messages and kind of feel guilty now. She stopped sending me them or calling me 3 years ago and I figured she was alright without me in the end.

This is the first time I'm texting her in over 3 years. I still have her number because I just couldn't bring myself to erase it back then. Not even now. I just hope she will answer of hasn't changed her number in the course of the years. Which she probably hasn't, knowing her.

"Didn't we meet them at that rookie shoot?" Shownu sits down beside Jooheon.

"Yeah like a year ago. I thought they were pretty cute back then. I even talked to that SeolHyun girl", Jooheon smiles back at the memory and I'm shocked. Did we really meet them? Did I really not see her? How is this possible.

I've been texting her for a while now, getting her to meet up with me. From reading what she said I can make up she is still pissed at me for never getting back to her. I still don't know why I never did. I guess it reminded me too much of what my life used to be like. In the end she agrees to meet me tonight, finally a chance to redeem myself.

"Why are you smiling at your phone?" Kihyun asks me while poking my arm.

"Nothing", I put my phone away and squint my eyes at the boy. "Seriously.."

"Fine, don't tell me then", he throws his hands up and continues to talk to I.M. who is still hung up on one of the girls in the group. I didn't catch her name since SeolHyun caught me attention.

Hyungwon and Minhyuk are playing a little game while Shownu and Jooheon talk about the girls too. It annoys me that Jooheon actually talked to her and I didn't even see her.

Later that evening

SeolHyun's POV

The move from dorm to dorm wasn't that hard. The other girls were still training while we packed up. We wouldn't be seeing them today. It's kind of sad to say goodbye to the place that has been your home for the past 3 years. It's even harder than leaving my hometown which wasn't even a home at all.

"Bye dorms", YeonA whispers while having a sad look in her eyes.

I shake my head and close the door behind us. MiNa is right beside me, holding one of my hands while we walk out.

"It's finally our time to shine", she tells me while we get into the car. Next to me, MiNa has been here the longest. She's been here for two and a half years. She knew the former trainees too and it's been hard on her ever since they left. She's a year younger than me and her time was running out as well. The rest of our group is 17, so they still have some time left. But if we weren't picked for this group, our dream would've been over.

"Are you going to miss them?" I ask MiNa who nods her head.

"They were are little family", she admits and I nod too.

"Yes they were, I wonder who will take over now?" A sigh escapes my lips.

"Maybe JiMin will finally step up to the plate!" MiNa jokes. JiMin is the most disorganised person you'll ever meet, but she cares about people a lot. That's her best trait. We always laughed with how careless she was, but I guess we won't be able to do that now anymore.

JiHee is still a little depressed, but she's getting out of her slump a little too. Ever since the shoot and press conference she's been blooming a bit more. I guess it's finally hitting her that we'll be doing this for real. Our recordings went well too, the song is catchy and up beat. I like it.

The one thing going through my mind at the moment is Wonho. I've started calling him that and even changed his name in my phone since that person isn't really Hoseok anymore. Wonho is going to meet me tonight, it's going to be weird for sure. I want to see him, so bad, but I don't want to see him at the same time. He hurt my feelings by never calling or texting me back.

2 new text messages

Wonho:

What time are we meeting tonight?

Me:  
At around midnight I should be able to make some time.

read: 8:43 pm

Wonho:   
Great! Can't wait to see you!

He has literally lost his mind, there is no other explanation for this. How can he ignore me for so long and now he can't wait to see me? He's had my number for 3 whole years. Why did he never get back to me. Jerk.

MiNa senses my uneasiness but let's it slide. She knows I'll be under a lot of stress starting tomorrow. This is my last bit of freedom before we have to really start.

Midnight approaches way faster that I would've liked. I tell the girls I'm going for a stroll around the neighbourhood to get a feel of it. They let me go without asking any kind of questions. The walk takes me about 10 minutes, we're way closer to the building than before. The other forms are like 25 minutes away. I like it. This way I can use more of my time for practice.

The fountain is beautiful at night when no one is around. Most people are always taking pictures and clouding it by standing in front of it. I don't like it one bit. The loneliness of it now speaks to me. It speaks to the loneliness I've felt for all of these years. Of course MiNa has been there for me, but she can't replace the family I never had or will ever have.

I sit down on the side of the fountain, waiting for Wonho to finally show up. He's a minute late, but I can tell it's him from the way he walks. He still has the same flair to it as he used to. Some things never change, so they? He is wearing sunglasses even though the sun has already gone down a good 2 hours. Dork. Who does he think he is?

"SeolHyun!" He says loudly while approaching. His voice has grown a lot deeper than it used to be.

"Wonho", I say, deliberately saying his stage name.

He doesn't seem to notice while he comes closer and tries to hug me. I step aside without a warning, making him do an awkward tumble. But he stays up gracefully.

"You really grew up, didn't you?" He sighs while taking me in.

"We all do at some point", my replies are short.

"So when did you get to Seoul?" He sits down on the side of the fountain.

"About 3 years ago", I comment and sit beside him.

"Are your parents here with you?" He whispers, knowing this is a sore subject.

"Of course not, I haven't spoken to them in 3 whole years", I scoff and he looks at me with big eyes.

"Still the same huh?" He sighs.

"As if you would know", my voice is barely a whisper while he looks up.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"That you never returned any of my calls or texts. I needed you back then, you have no idea what I went through, all by myself. I literally had no one to talk to anymore."

His eyes get very serious as he leans in. "I'm so, so sorry for never answering you. But everything got so hectic and you know.." His excuses are lame as fuck.

"Oh please. You're about to make a comeback but you have time to text me and even meet me.. It's way busier now than you were back then", I say while getting up.

"Are you alright?" He catches my wrist and spins me around. His eyes are dead serious and concerned.

"You lost the right to ask me then when you never even listened to my voicemails or when you didn't pick up my calls or when you didn't read my texts", tears are pricking at the back of my eyes. Stupid feelings, always getting in the way. I free myself from his grip and walk z few feet away from him.

"I never meant it to be like this", he whispers while I hear him standing up too.

"Whatever. It happened."

"Why did you ever come to Seoul?" He asks me in the end.

"To find something. But I found something else instead", I turn around and dare look at him again. Like hell I'm going to tell him about coming to look for him. He will not have the satisfaction of knowing that. Never. He just sighs and sits back down.

"I always imagined you being the top of your class and living out a normal life. Not this.." He motions around him.

"So this life is good enough for you, but not for me?" He's being a hypocrite.

"I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that you are so smart and you can do anything. Why would you ever do something like this?"

"Because being smart never got me anywhere, this did," my voice is a sneer towards him and he winces from the sharpness of it.

"You're really pissed at me, aren't you?"

"Good job at stating the obvious, Sherlock", I roll my eyes and start walking away. "I guess I'll see you soon. It's time for me to go to bed."

I hear him protesting but I'm already gone too far to hear it. He can't have it his way, I won't let him.


	4. Chapter 4

Wonho's POV

SeolHyun had really grown up. She looked fabulous, nothing like the little girl I used to know. I can tell she is extremely pissed with me and I can't even blame her for it. It's all my stupid, selfish fault. Seeing her walking away mad like that kind of leaves me feeling stranded. It's the first time ever that I feel this guilty over anything.

The walk home makes me think in the cold night air. What even was the reason I never responded to her? Was there a legit reason to begin with? It's been too long...

"Where are you coming home from?" Kihyun is standing outside, looking at the stars.

"Nowhere in particular", I sigh and sit down on the bench in front of our dorms. There was a time when we weren't permitted to go out at all. These days we can go occasionally.

"A walk to clear your head?" He sits down beside me.

"Yeah. Something like that", I admit and Kihyun picks on my undertone. He always does.

"It did seem pretty cloudy in there today.." I laugh at his silly comment but realise he isn't laughing with me pretty soon. "I'm serious. This is the most troubled I've seen you in all our trainee days. Not even during 'No Mercy'."

"Some things from the past have popped up again", I tell him, Kihyun has a way to get it out of you.

"Are you dealing with it properly?"

"To be honest? I have no idea at all." I sink back into the bench and look up at the stars. They shine oddly bright today.

SeolHyun's POV

When I arrive home all the girls have gone to sleep. I hare a room with MiNa so it's not that bad. She won't ask any questions. I open the door to our bedroom and it's all dark. MiNa is fast asleep while I climb into my bed. My clothes are still in because I can't be bothered to put them away. Wonho has changed so much.. He is not the person who left our town 5 yeas ago. Not at all. But there is still something of Hoseok in there too. There must be, I could see it when he grabbed my wrist. It transported me back into time when he held me to keep me safe.

"SeolHyun?" I hear MiNa say quietly.

"Go back to sleep MiNa", I whisper and she grunts and turns over to sleep some more.

It's been a long ass day, I need sleep. But somehow it doesn't come at all. I stare at the ceiling all the time, while it doesn't change one bit. Sleeping in a foreign bed is always difficult for me, it reminds me of what my life used to be. The emptiness of it all keeps on scaring me as I try to fill my life with new things. Will it ever be enough to completely run away from it all? Or will I keep being stuck here? Wonho coming back into my life isn't helping either. He's only making things more complicated as I try to move on. 

The next morning

I'm up before MiNa. Hell, I'm up before everyone. It's the first day in our new dorms and I decide to be a true leader and make pancakes for breakfast. I don't care if we're allowed to eat carbs or not, they're not here to check on me. If I say we can eat pancakes, we can. We do have something to celebrate anyways. By the time I'm making my first pancake, the first member leaves her bedroom. EunHa is first, like she used to always be in the other dorms too. She smells the food and comes hovering over to me. 

"You shouldn't have!" she yells in excitement while sitting down to eat her first one. 

Not much later her roommate joins her in eating. SooMi is enjoying the food as much as EunHa. It makes me smile to see the girls come in one by one. The next is MiNa who shoots me a suspicious look while sitting down. After that the last roommates leave their room: MiJin, JiHee and YeonA are the last ones to come and join us. They look so sleepy, especially JiHee, I know she misses her sister, but I do have some news for her. The manager looked into it for me and texted me last night. 

Before she leaves to wash up with the other girls I stop her. 

"I asked manager-nim how your sister is doing last night", I say in a hushed voice and she seems to bloom open instantly. 

"And? Is she okay?" her eyes are big with the same question. 

"She's fine. The younger ones have taken her in their care. She was even playing a little last night", she sighs with relief. And I do too. Finally a big smile appears on her lips, the one I've been missing so much. I pat her on the back to signal she can get ready now. 

I'm already ready since I was up so early. I tried concealing the black marks under my eyes, but I'm not that good with make-up. The only one who noticed is MiNa, but that's because she knows me like no other. She's also done first with preparing and takes me into our joined room. 

"Where did you go last night that you can't sleep anymore now?" she's concerned about me, she always is. 

"I met someone I used to know well. It's been a while..." I tell her and cast my eyes down to the floor. 

"Oh sweetie, how did it go?" 

"He's a jerk, nothing like he used to be", it slips out of my mouth and her eyes widen. 

"He?" oh shit. 

"Yeah, he used to kind of be like a big brother to me. Then he upped and left to become a star here since he was scouted", what's the point in lying anymore? 

"So who is it?" she tilts her head, she always does whenever she's really interested. 

"Wonho from Monsta X", I admit and she shakes her head. 

"He's your friend? Or used to be? Damn! He's like one of the hottest guys out there!" It earns her a little smile. I can't deny the fact that he looks amazing nowadays. Even yesterday, in his casual clothing. He didn't wear any make-up or anything excessive, but he still looked amazing up close. 

"Yeah, but don't even bother. He's become this person I don't even know anymore", I sigh and then sink back into my bed. 

"Maybe you should give it time? I'm sure the friend you're looking for is beneath all of the drama he has to put on. Why don't you try?" As per usual, MiNa knows best. Even though she's a year younger than me, she knows what I need to do all the time. 

"Hmm, perhaps I should", I drape my arm over my eyes and groan a little. "But if he is just conceited, you're getting whipped."

"Fine! I'll take it!" she slaps my arm and pulls me up with her. "We need to get going if we want to be on time for our single." 

The car we need is waiting for us when we exit the building. It's ridiculous since it's only a 10 minute walk over to the main building, but they have to come pick us up. What if something were to happen to us? 

The recording is taking place inside the same booths as yesterday. Everyone needs to go in alone and do their part, hence the waiting I am currently doing. I'm always the last on things since I'm the leader and stuff. This makes me think about sending a certain someone a text. Of what the hell? 

Me: 

I'm sorry about being a bitch last night 

read: 8:51 am

Wonho: 

It's fine. I deserved that one... Want to maybe meet up again tonight and talk about it all? 

Me: 

Yeah, why not? Same place and time?

read: 8:59 am

Wonho: 

Okay, I'm looking forward to properly talking to you! And I'll bring snacks, like I used to. 

Me: 

I can't eat any snacks, not allowed to

read: 9:03

That's when my name is called out. I make my way to the booth and they all encourage me to sing well. From what I've hear, they did really well too. Of course they did, we've been training for this half of our lives now. My singing goes smoothly and our producer is very happy with the sound. This is the title track for our first mini album. The album is called: Summer Flower. It just had to be something cute didn't it? It doesn't matter to me, the songs actually sound genuinely good to me. There's been put a lot of thought in it. 

After we're done we go to dance practice. I don't have the time to check my phone anymore since dancing is something I'm leading in. They chose me based on my dancing, and a little on my singing. I used to dance a lot with Wonho back home. We were always in the dance studio getting sweaty and dancing the world away. When he left, the studio kind of became a sad reminder of things used to be. But I never ever stopped dancing. 

The choreographer was told to work with me on the moves. She's a very lovely person who actually cares about what you do. The dance is good on it's own, but it misses some key elements like flow. We both think about how we can change it and suddenly it comes to me. We change some steps and add some things. When we dance it's more natural now. 

The other girls are absolutely good at this too. EunHa is a little less good at it since dancing isn't her biggest asset. She's the lead singer, so she doesn't need to dance too much too. Her eyes glisten while she dances because she's so happy. EunHa is a very spirited girl, she isn't too tall and has blonde hair now. They dyed it yesterday before the conference. It actually looks so stunning on her. She's 2 years younger than me, but we get along fine. 

When the dancing is finally done it's almost 12 pm. Oh shit! I am supposed to meet Wonho in 10 minutes! Shit, I'm all sweaty and sticky. Plus I'm wearing my gym clothes which consist of shorts and a sports bra. The only thing I have to cover me up is a long cardigan. It'll have to make do then. 

I run out of the practice room, telling the girls I'll meet them back at the dorms when they go home. They're all too excited to ask any questions at all. When I finally run out of the building it's already passed 12pm and I can see Wonho waiting at the fountain. Something has changed in him. He has blonde hair now, he didn't have that yesterday. A comeback is coming up then. He turns around when he hears someone running to him and I try not to pant too much. 

"Wow, did you run out of practice or something?" he asks while taking me in. 

"Actually: yes. We just finished for today. I'm sorry I'm late", I say in between breaths as he rakes one of his hands through his newly dyed hair. "Nice colour." 

"Thanks, I wasn't sure of it when they first put it on, but I kind of like it now", he smiles widely and I catch a glimpse of the boy underneath. 

"A comeback coming up?" I ask while sitting down on the side of the fountain again. 

"Yeah, in about a month we're coming back with a new song", he plays with a thread on his loose sweater. 

"We're debuting too then!" I am way too excited about this. 

"Aren't you cold?" he suddenly asks me while looking at the goosebumps on my legs. 

"Ehm, I'm fine", I say with a polite smile. 

Then he moves beside me and takes his shirt off. I can see a little of his tummy when he does so and I'm not even surprised to see a lot of muscle. He throws his shirt on my legs to keep them warm. He's in a long sleeved shirt now while he rakes his both hands through his hair to get it right. 

"Thanks", a blush creeps onto my cheeks. 

"Anytime, Seollie", he uses my nickname from when we were young and it actually makes me feel a lot warmer.


	5. Chapter 5

SeolHyun's POV

We sit here in silence for a while and then he pulls out a bag. He empties it and I look at the content of it. It's all some kind of snack that I can't afford to eat. Maybe he can eat anything and stay in shape like that, but I'm a girl and I gain weight.

"I told you I can't eat that.." I sigh and turn my head away from him and the content of the bag.

"Come on, why not?" He's pouting, I just know he is by the tone of his voice. Some things never change.

"Because I am on a strict diet for the debut. I need to lose at least 5 more pounds.." My desperation hangs in the air. The manager told me today that it's better I lose 5 more pounds, in addition to the 10 I already lost.

"Wow, seriously? They are being harsh on you.. You like just fine", he comments with a strong voice. The kind of voice he didn't have back then.

"Well, it's what they want. You know better than anyone that what they want is what you do", I comment a little annoyed. I want to believe he said that because he cares, but who am I kidding?

"That's true. Just look at my hair", he joked and I actually laughed along. It's a real sound I haven't made in almost 5 years. It seems like forever when you put it like that. "I missed that sound to be honest."

I shake my head at his comment. It makes me feel gloomy again. "You were the one who never called back."

"I know and I'm really sorry about that.." Wonho dips his head lowly and then offers me some chips.

I take it without thinking and eat it. It's like we used to be at home. Every night we would sit and look at the sky with snacks, talk about our future lives.

"Why?" I ask him honestly. "Why did you not call back? Why are you sorry?" I know those are hard questions to answer like that, but I need to know.

Wonho has a thoughtful look on his face while he finally looks up. His eyes seem to be sorry.

"Because I am a jerk and selfish", he admitted while still looking into my eyes. "I wanted to start over, anew, leave everything behind me."

He is honest and I sigh a little. It was not what I wanted to hear, but if it's the truth, it's better than a lie.

"Was that all I meant to you? The past? I remember us talking about the future and it always contained the two of us", I think back to those nights that resembles this one so well.

"It's got nothing to do with you, I promise. You know how it was back there.. I wanted to have something new here and I lost sight of who I was for a very long time", he turns to face me.

"I think you're still lost", the words are hollow, practiced and devoid of any humor. 

"We'll get to know each other now then? Because I sure as hell am not the only one who changed over the course of the years", Wonho suddenly takes my hand in his. "You'll get to know Wonho, member of Monsta X and I'll get to know SeolHyun, leader of Hugs & Kisses."

How can I say no to him when his smile is so genuine and full of honesty? I do want to get to know the new one, the one I observed on TV for so long. But will I like what I see once I do? And will he still like me after all these years? The scared little girl is gone and replaced by a closed off strong and independent girl.

"That sounds fine with me", I force a smile to my lips and look into his eyes.

"Now, can I walk you back to your dorms?" he is still holding my hand captive in his and I shake my head.

"I'm going in to dance some more before returning to the dorms", I say while getting up, pulling my hand out of his in the process.

"It's 1 am! You have to get some sleep!" Wonho protests while getting up too.

"I haven't had the chance to freestyle a lot these days. This time is the only free time I truly have", I give him back his sweater and snacks.

He takes it but takes a step into my direction too. "You're going to wear yourself out if you go on like this. It's not worth it", he tilts his head to the side and looks at me with genuine concern.

"I'm not changing my mind. Bye, Wonho", I emphasize that last part some more.

"Fuck it, I'm coming with you. That way I can keep an eye on you, so you won't be here until 4 am. And we can dance again, like we used to", he follows me while I sigh. If he is anything like the Wonho I used to know, he's not giving up until he gets what he wants. That's why I don't protest. Besides, there's no one left in the building except for the night guard, who will know?

"Fine", I motion for him to come to the building and just follow me wherever I go.

We reach the practice room and I sit down to stretch a little. I'm still a little sore from before because it was so intense. It's the most intense we've ever trained since beginning. The dance is also very hard to master perfectly. Wonho walks around and looks at the walls. There are various pictures of all the trainees on them. I don't really like my picture taken, but there are a few of them there too. The one of my first day and some birthdays of mine too.

"Is this when you first joined?" he asks me and I get up to look at it.

"Yeah", I say while passing by to the sound system.

"Your first day?"

"Yes, why?"

"You look horrible. What the hell did they do to you at home?" he asks, concerned again.

"None of your business, remember?" I look at the picture and feel a familiar pang in my chest. I had a lot of bruises, but not from training. My black eye had just healed and I look absolutely sunken and starved. My bones were sticking out and my face was fallen in. It still shocked me to see that that was how I once was. Now I'm so different.

"But still, no wonder you ran away", he mumbles, just loud enough for me to hear.

The truth was I ran to find him, to escape and finally feel safe again. The two years without him had been absolutely torture in more ways than one. It still was none of his business since he gave up on me by then.

I let the music blast through the speakers. It's 'Hot' by Jay Park. It's a song you can really let loose to. I can lose myself in the dance and not think about anything else, let alone Wonho. He stares at me while I get ready for the song. When the beat starts I start my furious moves and Wonho doesn't hesitate to join me in seconds. Jay's raps make it easy for us to fall into step. We still have the same skills as we used to. They were only just a little amplified right now because of the excessive training. Wonho dares me, like he always does, to go even harder. I have no problem with it since I have the stamina.

I'm actually having a pretty good time with Wonho like this. We move in sync just like we used to. When the song ends I fall on the ground, totally exhausted by him. Memories come rushing back and sting like knifes into my heart. I remember how we used to do this all the time. Every single time I felt bad about something, he would take me to the studio and make me dance. That's why some call my style rather aggressive these days. Even on my first audition here they called me aggressive, but they liked it. I learned to tone it down a little because I'm in a girl group, we have to be sexy or cute. There's no in between.

"That was the best I've had in a very long time", he sighs and rolls over to look at me.

"You sound like you just had sex", I joke and he squints his eyes.

"In my opinion, this is even better than sex", he tells and rolls back to his original place.

This means he's had it, sex that is. The innocent Hoseok that left our town is now completely gone. He used to tell me how he wanted to save himself for a special girl, someone he truly loved. Maybe he already met her, who knows? I wouldn't...

"Ass", I insult him and get up from the floor. I'm soaked in sweat and reach for my towel as he grabs my hand in the process. He's become so hands on. "What is it?"

"Don't tell me you didn't love that", he tells me, seriously.

"I did, but it's irrelevant to our situation", I sigh and pull away from him again to take my towel. I wipe away the sweat as he still looks at me.

"You're so different", he says while observing. "And you have abs, what the hell?" He comes over and traces the outline of it. It makes me feel weird inside.

"I do train a lot", I try not to blush, but he makes it so hard for me to concentrate. I can always say it's the because of the heat of the exercise.

"I can see that. You were so innocent and small back then. You're so grown up now", he tilts his head again, he apparently does that a lot, and takes me in. "You're taller too."

"Not as tall as you though", I smile shyly and finally sit down on the floor while he pulls his hand back, awkwardly.

It's weird to get to know him like this again. There are pieces of us that are still the same, just coated in a new layer.

"We should get you back to the dorms. They're probably worried." He gets up and takes my hand to pull me with him.

I grab all of my stuff and walk out of the room, turning the lights off. He follows me in complete silence, though it's not uncomfortable. We're at ease like this, this way I can pretend he's still the same.

The walk back home consists of us bickering and talking a little. It's not like we used to, but we're creating a new bond like this. On top of the one we used to have. We're glueing the pieces of our friendship back together with a new kind of glue and new pieces. He seems to be enjoying it too. I, on the other hand, am still a little weary of it all. It's something new and I don't like new. At all. I'm having a hard time debuting already.

"This is me", I say while turning to face him properly.

"Fancy dorms", he smiles and looks up at the building.

"It's new. We're the only ones here. Seventeen is there", I say, pointing to the place where their dorm is.

"Ahh, they're good guys. I see them a lot", he smiles widely and I like it. It's a genuine smile.

"Well goodnight?" I say and he looks back at me. Then he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly.

"Goodnight." He whispers into my ear and lets go of me.

That's when I go inside and try not to faint. He was so sweet.

"SeolHyun? WHAT WAS WONHO OF MONSTA X DOING HERE DROPPING YOU OFF??" YeonA asks whith big eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

SeolHyun's POV

I look YeonA in the eyes, trying not to panic.

"Shh, you're going to wake up the others. There is no reason for that", I shush her and she just looks at me curiously.

"I want an explanation first", she says and sits down in our couch area. I haven't used it yet so I don't know how it feels. I sit down and find that it's really comfortable actually.

"He's my childhood friend, okay? We've just kinds reconnected", I tell her nothing more, it's all she needs to know for now.

"Wow, you're best friends with Wonho from Monsta X. How dare you keep that a secret from me? You know how much I like him!" She almost yells again and I cover her mouth with my hand.

"I told you, don't wake up the others", I hiss and she nods that she'll stay quiet. "What are you even doing up?"

"I went to the bathroom and heard talking outside so I went to look", she admits sheepishly.

"Go back to sleep, it's an early morning", I tell her and she walks back to her room.

I get into mine too and notice MiNa being asleep. She doesn't wake up like the other night, but I'm she does realise I was out late again. This is going to be fun in the morning.

Wonho's POV

The door closes behind her and I walk back to where I came from. It's weird to walk her home after all this time. She has changed a lot and not at all in another way. I can feel her being the same as she used to, but covering it up with a harder exterior. We all need to be hard if we want to make it in this business.

Tonight was one of the best nights I've ever had since I left her at home. It was like we had never parted in some way. The only thing that still bothers me is that she's so guarded whenever she talks to me, like she needs to protect herself. Judging from how she looked when she came to the company I get that. Her parents must've gotten worse when I left. Or it was just always like that and I never saw the full extend of their hatred. A girl doesn't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, especially not by her parents.

The only one she had was me back then and I just left her alone, never contacted her because of my own selfish reasons. That picture makes me feel even more guilty than before. That's why I took it with me, I need to feel guilty for it.

By the time I make it home it's already past 2:30 am. My night's rest will be short and I'm not even sure I can sleep at all after this kind of night.

Jooheon is the only one still up when I get home, it figures. He's always working on some new music whenever he gets the chance. It reminds me of how SeolHyun wanted to dance in her free time. The only free time we really get is at night. And then we need to sleep because we have a hard day coming up.

"Where are you coming from?" He asks me while taking his headphones off.

"I had to meet someone", I explain. Jooheon can be trusted with these kind of things.

"A date?" He brings up his eyebrows.

"No, childhood friend. We reconnected somehow", I tell him and he nods.

"She must be special if the great Wonho is willing to give his beauty sleep for her", he laughs and turns back to the computer.

"She is." That's when I go into my bed and try to sleep, not bothering in changing. Sleep does come in the end, about when Jooheon goes to sleep. 4am it is then.

SeolHyun's POV

The morning comes way to soon. I'm barely asleep when the light starts seeping in. To my surprise I'm the last one to wake. Everyone looks at me funny because I'm not usually the last one. SooMi eyes me suspiciously, I'm sure YeonA has told her something about my meeting last night. They talk a lot. Damn it, why did he have to walk me all the way home? And why the hell did I let him? The question is on my mind as I get ready. It's not fair to the girls that I'm this distracted, but I can't help it.

MiNa notices, but keeps quiet. She's a good friend like that. All she does is cover for me while we make our way to the dorms by car. Some of the girls want to know if I'm sick or depressed. She tells them I'm just nervous about our debut and that caused me to practice until very late. Some of them buy it, not all. YeonA looks at me with a smirk. I stick out my tongue, a little childishly, but what the hell.

She throws back a smile because I'm finally truly awake. We laugh a little in silence because it would be weird for the rest of them to see. When we get to the practice room I can't help but remember last night. Wonho and I have grown a little closer, mending the broken relationship we have. It feels weird to look at the room and kind miss him. What has happened to me? I'm sure he's already forgotten about it all. 

1 new message

Wonho: 

Is it just me that's happy we got to talk last night? 

His message takes me by surprise as we sit down and set up to dance in a few. 

Me: 

No, I'm kind of happy too. 

read: 8:12 am 

Wonho: 

Kind of? Just kind of? Oh how you kill me! 

Me: 

Okay, fine. A lot. Dramaqueen. 

read: 8:18 am

Wonho: 

That's better. And hey, I'm your elder, you have to pay some respects!

Me: 

Whatever, Wonho. I have practice, talk to you later?

read: 8: 21 am

Wonho: 

Sure thing! Show them what you're made off! Can we meet again tonight? 

Me: 

Can't get enough of me, huh? Fine, same place same time? 

read: 8:25 am

Wonho: 

Can't wait to see you! 

 

He seems to be pretty excited to see me again. It toys with both my head and heart. But why am I so bothered by it all? I guess it's hard to trust someone again after they let you down like he did with me. Hearing the reason behind it all didn't actually make it better, like I initially thought it would. It only makes me doubt him more, but he was honest about it. That's a start. 

The practice starts and I'm unable to get him out of my head. I don't actually screw anything up, I'm just not really into it either. After dancing with Wonho like that last night, this seems like nothing at all. How did I ever find this hard? At least he challenges me to do something more. We take a break to eat. I haven't really eaten anything all day and MiNa has noticed. She throws me a sandwich while sitting down beside me. 

"You okay?" she takes a sip of her water while looking at me with expectant eyes. 

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired I guess", I smile a little to let her know. 

"From all your nightly meetings?" she whispers and I almost choke on my sandwich. It really sounds wrong when she says it like that. If anyone hears her, they'll get the wrong idea of me. And Wonho. We're just friends, jeez. 

"I guess", I nod my head in agreement, hoping she doesn't say anything like that again. 

"Maybe you should come home earlier", again I almost spit out my sandwich. Why does it all sound so wrong? Especially coming from her? 

"I will, tonight, promise", I really want to got to bed early tonight. At least what you can call early these days. We're always stuck here until midnight and then I'm meeting Wonho, for god knows how long. Why does he have to show up when I'm about to debut. We used to just practice until 10, but it's way busier now. 

After our break our manager walks in. SungMin seems a little tired too. Of course he needs to take care of us and sort a lot of stuff out for us. Must be hard too, not as hard as this, but still. He calls us all over and gives us a shy smile. We still haven't really gotten used to each other, so it's awkward. 

"Hey girls. The teachers tell me you've been doing really well. I also heard some of the vocal parts of the song! EunHa, great job! MiJin, MiNa, YeonA and SeolHyun too! SooMi, they want you to write an original rap together with JiHee. You can have the afternoon to do so. The rest of you will go to the hairdressers", he nods at us and we all agree. 

"Neh!" We say and bow for him as he leaves. 

SooMi and JiHee are our rappers. I know JiHee has always wanted to write her own rap piece, so it's really nice of the company to grant it. She is all smiles while she walks out with SooMi. They're busy talking while we just stand there and grab our stuff. We decide to shower a little before changing into something less casual for the hairdressers. They come here for us, so we don't have to go out, but still. I want us to make a good impression. I do wonder what they're planning on doing with us. Please don't cut it short. 

The hairdressers are nice as we sit down in their chairs. There are enough of them for all of us. We are all kind of nervous while they put their hands on us. The mirrors are coated so we can't see. They're all really busy with doing our hair and I can't look at the rest of my members because I have to keep my head still. I'm so nervous when I see some hair fall. What if they do give me a short bob or something? 

In the end they finish up and reveal us in the mirrors. When I finally see myself I'm surprised. They did a deep brown red colour for me and I love it. I have slight bangs and my hair is curled at the ends. It looks way better than it ever did before. I gasp and the rest does too. 

YeonA has blueish hair now. It suits her lively and young self so good. She seems to be really happy too. EunHa has gone blonde and it is just too weird for words. But it actually suits her. MiNa is grey and I laugh a little at first because she used to always say how much she hates it. But seeing her with it, it looks good! She seems to come to terms with it. MiJin is the only brown headed girl now from the four of us. They did do her a few shades lighter to make is more bronze. We all smile and thank the hairdressers. 

I slip out of my chair and grab my phone. Wonho needs to see this. 

Me:

Look at this: 

(There should've been a picture here, but AO3 does not do that, so I am sorry haha) 

read: 2:48 pm

 

Wonho: 

Wow! That is seriously the most beautiful hair I have ever seen. The girl wearing it is not too bad either ;-)

I roll my eyes at the screen because of the cheesiness. 

Me: 

I have the afternoon off

read: 3:01 pm

Wonho: 

I'm coming! 

Me: 

Eager much?

read: 3:20 pm 

Wonho: 

I'm here. 

That's fast. Did he run here? I say goodbye to the others, telling them I am going to relax a little. They wave goodbye and go down to meet him. The second I step out of the door someone pulls me aside and into an alley. 

"What's the meaning of this?!" I yell and try to break free from the man's grip. He places a hand over my mouth. 

"SHHT!" I look him in the eye and see it's Wonho. 

"Wonho?" I mumble against his hand, completely and utterly surprised by the way he is plastered against me.


	7. Chapter 7

Wonho's POV

I try to stay silent with her while the horde of people rush by us. They followed me all the way to this building, no matter what I did, the girls wouldn't give up. It's getting worse by the day. That's why I like meeting up with her at night. But she needs to sleep too. And I need to sleep too. 

"Wonho, please, I can't breathe", she tries desperately to get away from underneath me. I let her go and she sinks to the ground, hugging her knees desperately. 

"What's going on? Are you okay? SeolHyun?" I ask while dropping with her. She seems to be hyperventilating. 

"Just... give... me... time..." she says in between breaths. It seems to be very serious, but I can't do anything about it. 

I sit down beside her and put one hand on her back to console her. She doesn't even seem to notice. "It's going to be fine Seollie", I try to comfort her and she seems to be calming down to hearing her nickname. I used to love calling her that. I wipe her hair out of her face a little and her top shifts. I see some red strings on her skin on the back. She notices me as I see them and pulls away instantly. "What are those?" 

"Nothing. Why the hell did you pull me into this alley?!" she seems to be very furious. 

Her breathing has evened out a little more while she stands up, I join her. 

"Because I was being chased by a horde of teenage girls. I was trying to protect you", I'm curious as to why she is so mad at me and because of those markings on her back. 

"Oh, well thank you, I guess?" she calms down a little more while leaning against the wall behind her. "I don't like enclosed spaces." It takes a lot to admit it, I can tell by looking at her face. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that", I genuinely didn't know. She didn't used to have this kind of fear. What exactly did they do to her at home? 

"I know. It's not your fault", she sighs and dusts off her pants before looking at me. 

"What about your back?" I try and she shakes her head. 

"Forget about that", she whispers and suddenly she seems kind of fragile. Like the little girl I used to know. 

I nod and she moves out of the alley to watch if the girls were gone. She didn't see anyone and motioned for me to follow her. "Where do you want to go?" 

"Maybe somewhere not this public? What about your dorms?" I ask her, desperate to see how she lives nowadays. Is her room still plastered with Super Junior posters or has she matured too much? 

"There'll be some of the girls there since we all have the day off. The rappers of our group are writing and my roommate will be sitting in her room reading books", she tells me and lifts her eyes to meet mine. "What about yours?" 

It takes me by surprise. She's not usually this bold with me, not that I would know these days, but still. I nod without thinking it through and soon we're in a cab, on our way to my dorms. All of the boys will be out practicing and singing their lines. Since I only have like 7 lines in the comeback song, they don't need me now. 

I open the door and welcome her into our pretty smelly dorms. That's what you get for putting 7 boys into one dormitory without a cleaning lady. Clothes are littering the floor and the shoes make it almost impossible for us to enter. Hyungwon has grown tired of cleaning up after us, so he just cleans the kitchen and his room. 

"Sorry about the mess", I say, a little shyly before clearing a path to my room. "I think it's best if we go into my room?" 

She nods, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. I pretend not to see, so she isn't uncomfortable. Okay she is already, but I'm not trying to make it more awkward than it already is. My room is pretty okay, since I'm hardly ever in it these days. I have a few clothes on a chair and Jooheon's side is pretty fine as well. Except for his desk, where he sits most of his nights. 

"Who's your roomie?" she asks while sitting down on my bed. 

"Jooheon", I smile and she smiles back at me. 

"I met him once", she states and I remember him telling me so too. 

"So weird that I didn't recognise you back then", I sigh and sit down beside her, legs crossed and not too close. 

"Your dorms are so used. I mean, in a good way. It's been lived in. Ours is still so new", her sigh makes me think she doesn't like it all too much. 

"We use it a little too much", I joke and she laughs with me. Her teeth show while she laughs and her eyes pinch closed. 

"Better this way than my dorms, believe me", she opens her eyes again and evens out her breaths from laughing. The sound of her laugh still resonates through my whole body. 

"So how has it all been?" I ask casually while playing with the hem of my pants. 

"It's been... hard? We practice until dawn, go to sleep and get up a few hours later to repeat the process. To top it all off, I'm meeting you almost every night", she looks at me directly now. 

"I'm sorry. I kind of have bad timing..." But she shakes her head to interrupt me. 

"I don't mind meeting you. It kind of relaxes me from time to time", her voice misses an octave as she says so. 

"Well it's the same for me. We've been practicing for the past month and it's been tough for all of us. It's already taking its toll and we haven't even started promoting it yet!" I groan and fall back on the bed. 

"I'm sure the fans will love it", she touches my foot a little and I jolt back up. 

"Are you a fan?" I squint my eyes at her and she gives me a polite smile.

"Maybe", she lifts her shoulders as if it's nothing and it kind of challenges me. 

"Maybe, huh?" I inch over and move my hands to her sides. If I remember correctly she can't stand to be tickled. I know the exact spot where she's most sensitive. My hands reach her skin and start tickling her. She cries out and falls back into the mattress while pleading for me to stop. Her legs are swinging all around while her arms grip mine. 

"FINE!" she yells out and I let go of her, still hovering over her. "I'm a Monbebe", she admits defeat. 

"That's better", I smile down at her and her eyes grow big. It's kind of a very wrong position to be in while being in my room and on my bed. I clear my throat and pull back to sit next to her again. We both sit like that for quite some time, it's awkward as hell if you ask me. In the end she shifts and faces me. 

"You never told me how your training went", she inquired and I smile a little. This SeolHyun I know, the one who is interested in the things I do and did. She used to always ask me how things were going over the phone. 

"It was hard", I admit to her and she nods knowingly. "I was nowhere near as good as the guys who were here already. My singing sucked, the only thing I was good at was dancing. Then we had to do this program to debut, 'No Mercy'. And they weren't kidding when they said no mercy."

"I actually saw all of it..." she says and looks down at her hands. "The girls in the dorms always wanted to see it." She quickly recovers. 

"Yeah well, it was worse than what they showed. It tore all of us apart to watch friends leave..." I think back to those days, it has been little over a year. It still hurts that some of them didn't even get a chance. "And in the end they threw in I.M., that was harsh. We might've seemed really cold on TV, but we just didn't know how to act. Especially Jooheon. His best friend was still in the race and he wanted Gun to be with him when we debuted. Of course everything is okay now, but it was so hard at first." Jooheon really was the one who took it the hardest, along with Hyungwon. 

"I can't even imagine how it must've been for you guys... All that uncertainty all the time. And sharing that pain and pleasure with the rest of South Korea", she takes my hand in hers to give it a light squeeze. 

"I'm sure your trainee days weren't all roses and sunshine all of the time either?" I'm truly interested in how they actually recruited her. "How did they even recruit you?"

"Simple, like I told you. I came to Seoul, to find something, a woman saw me and she asked me if I wanted to be an idol. I told her yes and she took me to the auditions. There they tested me and I got in because of my dancing skills. My singing improved a lot too. There were 6 of us when I started, 5 of them left in the end and I am the only one remaining of the original group. They haven't debuted yet either..." She is so at ease when she tells about her life. 

"Wow, that must be hard?" 

"I'm the oldest one in the trainee group. That's why this was a now or never. I'm already 19..." I know what she means. I'm 23 and happy to have debuted too. The older you get, the less chance you make. 

"But here you are, about to debut. How does it feel?" our hands are still joined together. 

"Surreal?" she scoffs a little and then looks into my eyes. "Like it's a dream I'll wake up from." 

She's had nightmares all through her life. She used to tell me how she wished she could wake up from the nightmare that was her life. The only thing I could say was that things were going to get better for her. Now it's the complete opposite. She used to want to wake up, now she wants the dream to keep lasting. For as long as she can make it last. How things change... 

"I know exactly what it's like. But it'll be fine in the end, you know that right?" It earns me a nod and I squeeze her hand. SeolHyun notices we're still holding hands and blushes a little bit. "So how are the boys from Seventeen?" 

"Stupid", she laughs while thinking of them. "No seriously, they are dorks. I've trained with most of them for a very long time. They're around my age anyway. Now that they've debuted I get to see them way less, but it's fine. They try to visit when they can", her smile doesn't fade while talking about them. It seems like she's very fond of them. 

"It's fun to see them joke and play around, isn't it?" I say in a hushed voice. 

"Yeah it is. They're pretty fun to be around." 

We sit there in silence again as our fingers intertwine. We used to do this a lot, but something in this dynamic has changed a little. Getting to know each other like this is good. It's like her wall is slowly crumbling underneath my touch and every piece I get to see makes me stare in awe. She is without a doubt the strongest girl I know. 

"Wonho! Do I hear talking?" I hear Jooheon yell and the door to my room opens up. Jooheon looks from SeolHyun to me and then to our hands. SeolHyun pulls back immediately. "Well, hello there." He smirks.


	8. Chapter 8

SeolHyun's POV

I almost fall off the bed when Jooheon says hey to me. He is so going to think the wrong thing of this.

"It's not what it looks like", I blurt out and Wonho's head snaps into my direction. Like he's hurt.

"Sure it's not", he walks past us and grabs something from his messy side of the room.

I turn with him and still feel Wonho's hot gaze on me. When is he going to stop that? I'm not looking at his on purpose. He knows that too. Which is probably why he gives up in the end. I see his hair move a little as he shakes his head.

"I'll be gone in a second so you can continue whatever you were doing", Jooheon winks at us and I almost groan out loud.

Jooheon gets what he came for and closes the door behind us again. I feel so aware of the boy sitting next to me on the bed, his gaze hasn't stopped boring holes into my face ever since Jooheon came in. I refuse to look at him, but in the end I have to make him stop staring. 

"What?" I ask him, a little laid back, or trying to be.

"What did it look like?" his eyes squint at me while I feel my heart beating loudly. 

"I'm lost." I'm sure there's a confused as fuck look on my face. 

"You said, and I quote: 'It's not what it looks like.' I'm asking: 'What did it look like?'" I roll my eyes at him. Of course he has to make a big deal out of everything. 

"I'm a girl, in a guy's room, on his bed and we were holding hands", I gesture at the both of us and he just does this crooked smile he has. 

"So what? We're just friends", he tilts his head to the side, clearly amused. 

"You know that. I know that. Jooheon might get the wrong idea since he doesn't know that", I state and he just laughs it off. 

"He knows because I told him." 

I'm sure my face has gone from: annoyed-as-fuck to what-the-actual-fuck. He just laughs even more while I punch his arm. Which leads me to have an ache spreading down my arm. When did he get this strong? God, I miss Shin Hoseok, the person he used to be, so much. 

"You talk about me?" I'm still nursing my hand while he looks down at it too. 

"Of course I do. You're an important part of my life. And so is Monsta X. But at this stage only Jooheon knows because I always get home so late", his smile vanishes a little while he takes my hand in his. "Does this hurt?" he twists it to the side a little and I groan. "I'm taking that growl as a yes." He chuckles a little while getting the first aid kit from the kitchen and soon returning to me. 

"It's fine. You don't have to do that", I shake my head at him and start to pull back, creating some distance between the two of us. 

"You're hurt and I want to take care of you. Like I used to", he whispers and I'm transported back to an earlier time. Way back in the past. 

Flashback

"Seollie, are you alright?" Hoseok takes me in while letting me inside of his house. I don't even bother looking around and go straight to the roof, where we always sit. "Talk to me." He insists. 

"What do you want me to say?" Tears are welling up in my eyes and he sees. His arms are around me faster than a race car can hit you on a track. His hugs are warm and strong, they make you feel right at home. I cry into his shirt while his hand pats my back slowly. I wince at every touch. 

"Oh no", he breathes out and pulls back. I try not to look at him and instead I look at the sky. It's the only thing that can make me forget about a night like this. "Fresh bruises." He states and just stares at me. 

"They'll heal", I whisper and finally look at him again. His look is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. 

"That's not the point", he shakes his head and leaves me alone on the roof. I try to lay back, but I can't. It hurts to even move these days. The stars are the only things keeping me company now. I wonder what Hoseok is doing. "Here", he finally says while he closes the door behind him. 

In his hands is a first aid kit. He opens it and gets out some wipes and disinfectant. He puts some ointment on my bruises to make them heal better. It's not the first time we have gone through things like this. The cuts he treats with the disinfectant and seals them up with band aids. The band aids don't have animals on them anymore like they used to. We've outgrown those. 

"All new", he smiles and pulls back a little to look at me properly. 

"Why do you even bother taking care of me?" I ask, in complete disbelief. 

"Because you are my best friend. You're hurt and I want to take care of you." His statement is pure and so full of conviction that I can't do anything else but believe him. That's all it takes for me relax into another warm embrace. 

End of flashback

I shake my head furiously while I completely pull away. "Please don't." I beg of him and he looks at me more confused than ever. 

"Why not?" his voice cracks a little at the end. 

"I don't need someone to take care of me. I can take care of myself", I state and then get up from his bed. Having him this close makes it hard to think rationally. 

"I thought we were getting somewhere with our friendship", he sighs and closes the case again. 

"We are. Just not there, not yet. I'm not sure I can go there ever again", I sigh and grab my jacket from the chair where I hung it. "I have to go now." 

He doesn't stop me or walk me to the door. I say goodbye to Jooheon on my way out and close the door behind me. It takes me a while to find my way back to the dorms, but it's still light outside when I get there. The girls are inside and lively as ever. YeonA is the first to notice I'm back and almost flies over to me. 

"Where have you been? Out with.." she starts but I cover her mouth. 

"Don't you dare say his name", I almost growl, but she gets the message pretty quick. 

"Fine. Did you meet?" She's more casual now as she asks. 

"Yeah. We talked a little", I tell her, not lying at all. I'm just not telling her where we went, that's all. 

"Okay, did anything happen? You look upset about something", she's genuinely worried about my well being. 

"Just stressed out because of all we have left to do", I sigh and again it's not a lie. I'm always thinking of the debut first. Except for when Wonho invades my mind in mysterious ways. Like now for instance. 

"You're not alone", she reassures me and hugs me in the process. MiNa sees and comes over to hug us both. In the end we're all engulfed in a group hug while giggling. What would I be without these girls? My girls? We are going to have to spend a large part of our lives together and I'm glad it's them who got chosen to be with me on this journey. 

"Thank you, I love you guys", I said with a big smile and they all giggled again. 

"Thank you, for taking care of us!" EunHa compliments and drags me into the kitchen. "I'll make dinner tonight, okay?" 

I'm kind of worried because we either always order in or I cook. Letting things go is not my strongest suit so I'll need to work on it. This is the perfect opportunity to do so and I try to relax. Half an hour later I can hear them struggling with the food. They've never cooking their entire lives, so now we're going to have to face the consequences of it all. EunHa shoots me an apologetic smile while she puts some burnt chicken on the table. I try not to chuckle since they all put so much work into it. In the they give up and grab the ordering pamphlets from the fridge

"What do we want tonight?" JiHee asks while flipping through them. 

"Nothing too greasy, the company told us to lose some more weight..." SooMi complains while sighing. I frown a little. 

"When did they tell you? When you were writing your rap?" I inquire and she nods. 

"They came in and told us we need a few more pounds lost before the debut..." her eyes are so sad because of all of us, SooMi is the one who likes to eat the most. 

"Oh, no! They are being ridiculous", I state and they all look up at me. Usually I'm the one to agree with the company because of all they've done for me. But this is no laughing matter for me. The girls are skinny as they are and don't need to lose another pound! "Don't listen to them." 

We order pizza, the biggest one we can get, just to piss them off. We'll probably regret it in the morning, but who cares anyways. Tonight it's about all of us, together. Not about the company or debuting, no it's about being friends. A family. One I never really had. 

"That reminds me, how did you learn to cook so well? Weren't you like 15 when you joined?" MiJin asked with a mouth full of cheese pizza. I stiffen a bit and then relax again. They are not here. 

"I used to cook all the time, learned at an early age", I say in a monotone voice. Talking about the past is still so hard for me, that's why they mostly don't ask any questions about it. I'll tell them in my own time. 

"Well, you're amazing at it", MiJin beams and I try to smile. I could think of some people who thought it was never enough. Shaking my head, I clean up the stuff on the floor and get rid of the boxes. Wonho hasn't texted me either. I think he's mad and hurt somehow. But of all people he needs to understand my need to be independent. I'm the only one I can trust, no one else. Even he left me when I needed him most. He's trying to make up for lost time, but it doesn't work that way, at all. It takes a lot of time for me to just adjust to Wonho being in my life again. He'll have to accept that. 

"I'm so full!" YeonA yells out and falls back onto our carpeted floor. She stares at the ceiling. "This dorm is way nicer than the last one." 

"I know right..." JiHee follows her lead and looks at the ceiling too. 

"They could've set us up here earlier", EunHa jokes and falls back too. 

In the end we just lie there like that. No one's talking, but we don't need to. The peace and quiet is something we never had in our other dorms. There was always someone making some kind of noise. This time we are able to just relax and think of nothing else. 

"Do you guys think fans will love us?" SooMi asks a little insecure. 

"Have you read the comments online?" MiNa asks while sitting up again. "They are pretty positive." 

I smile as I sit up too. She's right. The people are expecting us. Soon our trailers will be released and it's on. We'll have to compete against big groups and new groups. It'll be so hard, but worth it. 

"At least we have each other", MiJin sighs and we all hum in agreement. There is nothing else we need.


	9. Chapter 9

SeolHyun

It's been a week. A full week of radio silence between me and Wonho. We are both playing the game of who will cave in first. Neither of us wants to give in. Then again, what is neither of us do? We never talk again? Just when I was getting comfortable around him again.. Not too comfortable of course. A loud sigh escapes my mouth as we're taking a break in the corner with the airco on. We've been dancing all day. The routine had to be flawless and some of us are just not that good of a dancer. But they do excel in other parts of this training. Way better at singing or rapping than me. That's for sure.

"What's that sigh for?" JiHee asks while looking a bit concerned. She has a water bottle on her skin to cool off.

"It's way too hot to practice", I complain and lie back on the cold wooden floor. I feel a little wind coming and I smile. They are flapping their hands for me to cool me off. "Dorks." I insult them and they all laugh.

"Your dorks!" SooMi says and I can just hear the smile in her words.

We've been doing pretty good so far. I've lost a few pounds too, the company wasn't kidding when they said we had to lose weight. I was practically obese when you looked at the girls of AOA or Twice. They did set some restrictions for us. If we didn't make it by debut time, our phones would be confiscated. Welcome to the stardom life. So we've been watching or food and hitting the gym regularly after our practices. They ended late, but the gym was open late too. We could do both.

"How has it been with you-know-who?" YeonA leans over to whisper in my ear. God, it's like she's talking about freaking Voldemort from Harry Potter. Wonho was far from that. I mean, come on, he has a nose!

"Nothing", I whisper back. Normally MiNa would be the one who I tell everything to, but she only knows of a boy. Not hat he's Wonho from Monsta X. The only one who knows is YeonA because she saw us one day. So she is the only one I can talk to.

"Did he call or text?" Her voice is low so no one can hear us.

"Again: nothing."

"That's what the sigh was for then?"

"Yep."

I stare at the ceiling and try to block all thoughts of Wonho out of my head. But the flashbacks have been coming, without me wanting any of it. For so long I've been trying to avoid them and all it took was a little of Wonho to make them come back. My nights have been positively awful due to this fact. The nightmares keep on coming and they keep me awake. MiNa doesn't ask questions when I shoot up in the middle of the night, screaming. Sometimes I put on my clothes and go for a run to forget them, or outrun them, who knows?

"Ready?" Our choreographer asks while coming back into the room. We all groan loudly as she just laughs and plugs in her iPod. It reminds me of the time Wonho came back here with me and we danced our hearts out. I want something like that again.

Me:   
Don't you miss me? 

Wonho:   
Don't you miss me? 

Me:  
Don't be like that

Wonho:   
Like what?

Me:   
Fine, never mind. 

Wonho:  
Come on, you know I didn't mean anything by it  
Want to be my friend again? 

Me:  
Can we talk again tonight? 

Wonho:  
Whatever you want baby

Me:   
Gross. Meet me at midnight, usual spot. 

Okay, I was the weaker one this time, but my mind just keeps on going back to him every single time. I can't let it happen too often. This petulant argument we're having needs to come to a stop. It's kind of my fault anyways. Not that I need to apologise for feeling cornered and angsty. He just needs to understand why I feel this way.

Evening doesn't come soon enough. The dance practice drags on and on and on. I know all the steps by heart by now. It's not fair that we're being tortured like this. Only 3 more weeks to go. It's steadily becoming my mantra in life.

Wonho doesn't text me anymore. He hasn't even agreed on meeting me tonight, but something tells me he won't pass up this opportunity. We've been working too hard on this for him to just throw it all away like it means nothing. I do hope I mean something to him. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows with this guy? With Hoseok I knew. But Wonho is a different story.

The girls are not hitting the gym tonight, deciding it was way too hot for such a thing. I'm in my tank top that covers all of my back and jeans shorts when we make it out of the building. I wave them goodbye, telling them I'm going to hit the gym some more before returning to the dorms. They believe me with ease and stride away. It hurts to lie to my girls, but they know why.

"You've lost weight", I hear a male voice stating behind me. When I turn around it doesn't surprise me that it's Wonho.

"Had to", I interject.

"You look so skinny.." His eyebrows are perched together in a knot.

"Are you worried?" I ask, in wonder.

"Kind of. What are you doing to lose weight? I hope you're eating properly?" There is the older brother figure I know again. It hurts and pleases me at the same time. The old Hoseok is still in there.

"Yes I am eating properly.. We've been hitting the gym every night after practice", I explain to him while we both walk away from the building.

"After practice? Are you trying to kill yourself?" Wonho's face is in utter surprise.

"You don't know the pressure that's on us", I mumble and sit down on a bench with my back to him.

"I do know. If anything I know it better than you", he huffs while sitting down next to me.

"I'm sorry. That was inconsiderate and immature", I apologise because he's right. Sometimes I just need to think before I speak.

"It's fine. The pressure is getting to you. It's understandable, especially as the leader of the group.. I see Shownu go through it every time." His hand finds mine and he squeezes it. "Don't worry, it'll all be fine."

"Thanks." I try not to say it bitterly. "So what's up with the radio silence the past week?" Not trying to go around in circles I cut straight to the case.

"After you walked out I figured you needed some space from me. That's why I thought you'd come around if you needed me", his explanation is actually kind of thoughtful.

"Thank you for thinking about what I want, I mean it." My voice is so quiet right now. I'm not used to thanking people.

"It's fine. This is hard on you. Whatever they did to you while I was gone must've been bad", he mumbles and leans in to me a little. Our hands are still joined between our legs.

"Hah", this one is bitter.

"You never told me what you came looking for here in Seoul", he then changes the subject, but not really. It's all connected anyways.

"Why do you need to know?" I'm inquisitive too.

"Maybe it was me?"

I deadpan him before shaking my head at him. "Don't flatter yourself." It's only half true. He's only half the reason anyways.

"Don't want to talk about it yet?" He asks me while gently pulls me into his shoulder.

"Not tonight", I sigh and he gets it. The only one who gets what this is like. And it's the only person I can't seem to fully trust anymore.

"Understood. So what do you want to talk about?" He asks while leaning back into the bench. His blonde hair is covered with a SnapBack and my hands are just itching to take it off. I like seeing his hair loose.

"What tells you I want to talk about something?" I joke lightheartedly.

"Then what do you want to do?" His lips form the perfect mischievous smile.

I bite my lip and stare out in front of me. What do I want to do? Life is so full of things and all I can think off is go to the movies.

"The movies. But they don't play them this late... Believe me, I've checked before", I sigh a little while letting my arms rest on my knees and leaning forward.

"We could play a scene from a movie?" He suggests and I shoot my head up to look at him.

"What is that kind of crap?" I eye him suspiciously.

"No romantic scenes!" He put up his arms in defence.

"Okay, I'm cool with that. But how are you going to pull this off?" I'm sceptic about this whole ordeal. Wonho did seem very trustworthy until now.

"Let's do a fight scene? Like I'm the bad guy and you need to keep me from hurting others", he is clearly enjoying imagining that particular scene.

I get up and he follows me. There's a park nearby and it's all empty of visitors by now. Only the occasional drunk is here. He sets us in the meadow in the middle and I just keep on eyeing him. What is his game plan? What is he up to?

"Let's start. I'll begin!" He's so enthusiastic that it throws me off guard. He's getting into character as he tries to look angry and stops towards me. "HULK SMASH!" He yells and I can't hold in the laughter that rises. I nearly tumble town to the ground from laughing at the dork.

"This is ridiculous!" I yell out as I grab for my stomach. It hurts from laughing.

"Come on, you're ruining it!" He yells and pouts afterwards. He is being serious about this.

"Fine, I'll play black widow then.." I suggest and try getting into character too. Scarlett Johansson is such a beautiful woman so I try to feel as beautiful as her. My hair is already red anyways now.

Wonho starts to play his part again. "HULK SMASH!" He yells and I try keeping in my smile. It works remarkably well when you're in character.

"Bruce, come on, don't do this. People will die!" I yell back and stand in front of him.

"SMASH!" Wonho yells again. Wow he doesn't have a lot of lines does he?

"Bruce! I know you're in there somewhere. Please, you care about people! Snap out of it!" I yell as black widow and Wonho comes to a stop in front of me. He tilts his head like he understands what I'm saying.

"Think about it Bruce. You always feel so guilty after ruining so many lives. Do you really want to go through that again? Let go of the anger", I plead with him and he looks as me with sympathetic eyes.

"Na-ta-sha?" He says in syllables. I smile and nod.

"Yes, it's me, Natasha. Listen to my voice, it'll all be fine if you just listen to me", I say sweetly while Wonho is gradually sinking to the ground. In the end he just lies on the ground and pretends to morph back into Bruce Banner aka the Hulk. "Is it you?" I ask while sinking down too.

"Natasha? What happened?" He asks me all confused and I lean in a little.

"You tried to smash a city. It'll all be okay. You turned back." I smile at him and he smiles back. Suddenly I notice how close we are to each other and a blush creeps up my cheeks. It's hard to concentrate with him being so close to me.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" He asks while still being so close to me. Neither of us turn away or back up. It's strange but I'm hypnotised.


	10. Chapter 10

Wonho's POV

I purposely pull SeolHyun a little closer before rolling over to lean over her. I don't know why I'm doing it in the first place, but it seems like fun. We're having fun, right? It had been fun a few seconds ago. Her cheeks turn a deep shade of red while she looks up at me with big eyes. There's been a new kind of pull between us ever since we saw each other again. There used to be only a platonic feeling of friendship between us, I considered her as a little sister. This is different, we've both changed in a million ways and it's freaking me out. 

"Uhm, Wonho?" She asks a little unsure and I flash her a smile before getting off. 

"Sorry, got carried away", I take my cap off and ruffle my hair. It's something I do when I'm kind of nervous. Which is what she's making me right now. 

"It was fun though", her smile is shy as she lies back into the grass, staring up at the sky. "It reminds me of how things used to be."

"Do you ever miss it? Home?" I dare to ask and she almost chokes on something. 

"Never." Her jaw is set in a firm line as she doesn't even think twice about it. 

"Not even the nights we used to spend on my roof?" I sigh and lean back into the grass too. 

"Those were the only good thing about that place", she admits silently as she keeps her gaze on the stars. They're all out tonight. 

"I miss them too." I have never admitted this to someone, not even myself. But I do miss them. They were carefree and void of responsibilities. And in some other way they were full of them too. Our lives have never been easy, just look at the predicament we're in now. 

"I'm sorry", she sits up and hugs her knees. Again her top shifts a little and I can see the same marks as before. I'm kind of afraid to ask where they come from. She sure didn't used to have them when we were little. She quickly notices and pulls her top back over them without even glancing at me. 

"Don't ask me, please", she pleads with me while still hugging her knees. Her voice sounds broken as my heart breaks for all the things that happened to her while I wasn't there to protect her. It's my own damn fault that she's so weary of me now.

"You'll tell me in your own time", I say back while reaching for her arm. My hand is warm against her cold skin as she flinches a little. The flinch is not from the cold, it's from the contact. She's always had that, just never with me. I was the only one she didn't flinch from. This is how low I've sunken in her heart. 

"We should get back, Wonho", she gets up, hurriedly, to get away from my touch as fast as she can. 

"Seollie..." I get up too and walk after her. Upon hearing her nickname she stops abruptly. 

"Why do you still use that?" when she turns around I can see hurt all over her face. 

"Because that's who you are to me, Seollie. You're still that girl to me", I plead with her while taking another step to her. 

"Am I really?" Suddenly she is the little girl in front of me again. The one who was always questioning her existence, the one who always ran to me for everything. So unsure of why life had to be this way. 

"That will never change. Of all the things, you can count on that", I put my arms around her without thinking. What's even weirder is she putting hers around me too. We stay engulfed in that embrace for a while. Neither of us wants to pull back as I try to remember a time where this was normal between us. In the end she is the one to end this. While she pulls back I can see the tears still on her cheeks.

"We should really get back now", she smiles through her tears. We both let go of the moment and I walk her back to her door. It's the civil thing to do. 

"SeolHyun, I really think tonight was a big step for the both of us", I say while we stand in front of the door. 

"I believe so too", there is a faint smile on her lips as she looks down at her feet. 

"I hope we can continue to take steps towards our friendship", I try to be polite, but there is still so much I want to tell her. 

Like how I want to ask her about the marks on her back, what happened to her during the time I was gone and what she came looking for here in Seoul. She is not ready for those kind of conversations yet and I should not be pressuring her into telling me. It means more if she tells me herself. I also want to tell her about the mixed feelings in my gut. This is not the kind of feeling you get from your little sister. 

"We will", she assures me while finally looking up. "Good night, Wonho." 

I'm still not used to hearing her say my stage name. But my real name has been lost for a few years now. No one ever calls me by it these days. But I'd really like for her to start using it again, to keep me grounded. 

"Good night, Seollie", I smile and lean in to kiss her cheek. It's a fleeting moment, but I feel her stiffen beneath my touch. 

"I'll talk.. ehm.. to you later?" It was not supposed to be a question, I'm sure of it, but it's cute to see her startled. The walls around her are slowly tearing down, brick by brick. 

"Talk to you later", I give her a crooked smile before turning around and walking away. 

"Stay safe", she says behind my back and I can't help but grin at how she said it. 

"I'll try", I turn around to give her a wink. Then she disappears behind her door with a small smile. Maybe I'm finally getting through to her. 

The whole way back home I can't stop myself from smiling. Tonight has been a very good night for the both of us. It makes me feel ecstatic for some reason. SeolHyun looked like she would be spilling everything to me soon. Then I can help her again. We can properly work through this, I'm sure of it. 

The members are still awake by the time I get to the dorms. They're in the living room as I sit down on the floor since the couches are taken. No one looks up but Jooheon, he eyes me suspiciously. That dude, I swear. 

"So where have you always been going at night?" Minhyuk slyly asks me while eating some popcorn. They have noticed, of course they have. 

"No where in particular", I try to brush it off. 

"That's not what we heard", Kihyun joins in and I groan. 

"Jooheon, you're an ass", I insult him and he just shoots me an apologetic smile. 

"So who is she?" Hyungwon leans forward so he can see me. 

"She's just a friend from back in the day. We lost contact and now she's about to debut in a new group", I explain but get interrupted by Shownu. 

"SeolHyun is your friend?" his mouth hangs open. 

"Yeah, she's like a little sister to me", I nod.

"Sure." Jooheon is getting on my nerves right now. 

"Do you think she'll go for a young guy?" IM asks and I almost spit out the water I'm drinking. 

"She won't go for anything. Not as long as I'm around", I growl at him and he puts his hands up in defense. 

"Sorry, bro." 

"It's fine. Don't bother", I say and look down at my hands. Why are they being dicks about this?

"Look, just watch out with everything. Someone could see you and it would be disastrous for your career and her starting one as well", Shownu warns me and I take it to the heart. 

I know it's risky to walk out like this always. That's why I took her back here last time. We both know the dangers of this getting out. People would never believe we're just friends. They'd think she's a gold digger, hanging on to me to get her own fame. But it was me who contacted her in the first place. 

"I'm going to bed", I tell them and go to my room. 

SeolHyun's POV

The dorms are quiet. Everyone has gone to sleep while I sit in our living room. This has been one strange ass night. Wonho broke through some of my walls and I don't know if I like it or not. It's confusing and so difficult to let him in. But when he tries this hard, I can't refuse. It's like we used to be again, I can never refuse him. He's not taking advantage of it, he's rather very understanding about it all. His hug was surprising but it was also surprisingly something I was really craving. Physical contact is something I still struggle with. The girls are not a problem since they've been around for a while. Wonho is practically still a stranger to me. So why did it feel so good and easy to let him do it? 

And then there was this moment where I thought he was going to kiss me. I shouldn't be hoping for it, but nonetheless I was waiting for it. How would I have reacted? We'll never know now. He used to always be like a big brother to me, but now I'm feeling a bit more than that kind of love. It scares me. A lot. 

My bed welcomes me in the end while I can't get any sleep. It's the same as the previous nights. Wonho keeps me up most of the time. It confuses me still. But he keeps on bringing back memories to me that I'm so desperate to forget. It worked for a while, to suppress them, but here they are again. Taking my night's rest away from me. It's starting to show too. MiNa still covers for me, but the girls are starting to lose their belief. 

I look at my phone and wonder if he's still up too. It's late, but is he having the same problem as me? Why would he even? I'm the one with the difficulties here. And my debut is coming up too, to add to all of the stress. Weirdly, it's not the thing I fear most in the future.


	11. Chapter 11

SeolHyun's POV

Days pass by and I don't get to see Wonho that much anymore. Our training sessions last well into the night, but end so we can sleep just about 4 hours. The closer the comeback is, the less I see or hear of him. Our last conversation ended abruptly as well since I was being very fickle with my answers. Everything these days just gets on my nerves. I want to do my absolute best, but it's so hard with these memories lingering in the back of my head. It's even become so bad that I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. That's why I don't mind training so long, sleeping has become my most dreaded action of the day. MiNa has been keeping a close eye on me at all times, but she just comforts me, knowing she can't do anything else. The rest of the girls pretend not to see for my sake. It's also not interfering with my job as their leader. SungMin, our manager, has become very stressed out too. He's been coming by the dorms to check if we're all there and going to bed. It's his responsibility to keep us healthy and going. 

Every single lunch he makes sure we get our salads and sports drinks to keep on practicing. He's also at all our practices these days to see if we're doing well, if anyone needs anything at all. All I can say is that I feel the tension building. Our debut is only a week away now and we've been running around the whole city. There are promotions to do, clothing to fit and people to see. Today Seventeen has graced us with their visit. They've been doing promotions for "Pretty U', but they are ending very soon. Next week to be exact, so we can start ours. 

I know them better than any other girl on my group. Seventeen debuted before us, but I trained with every single one of them since the beginning. Back when they were all cute and fetus. Nowadays they've become tall (some of them at least) and handsome. I can still remember the days they wore their very long hair. At least Jeonghan has cut his hair too, not that he wasn't cute with it. Somehow this makes him look even more like a girl. I'm not sure if he minds or not. 

The girls are having a pretty good time with Seventeen. Seungcheol joins me in watching them interact.

"From one leader to another: don't sweat it too much", he gives me advice. He's already been doing that through SNS lately too. 

"Thank you. I just want us to do well and have many fans", I admit while I lean back against the mirror of the practice room. 

"Knowing you, you'll do amazing and have even more fans than us!" his compliments make me blush. 

"Dude, you have a group with 13 guys, I can never do better than that with just 7 girls!" I whack his arm playfully and he pretends to be hurt by the action.

"Okay, you're right. But still, both guys and girls will like you a lot!" 

"I hope they do!" I flash him a smile and he just relaxes. It's been the first day they actually can relax since a very long time. "Are your new endings going well for the song?" 

"Yes they are actually. It's not that hard. These days it feels like a second nature to do that dance", his smile says it all, he's proud of what they've achieved. 

"Oh and congrats on the win!" I actually forgot to send them a text. But at the same day that they won, we got the new we were going to form a new girl group. 

"Thanks. It was the best day of our lives, I can assure you that." The rest of the boys in the room are being very loud except for Wonwoo in the back. He seems to be a little lost without Mingyu pulling him everywhere. 

"SeolHyun!" Soonyoung calls out to me and I wave back at him. He's always looking for me to practice new things. He's actually choreographed the dance for their new comeback. I only hope to be able to do the same thing in the future. 

"SoonYoung!" I say and he engulfs me in a hug. We're roughly the same height now. I remember him being really small. 

"When your promotions are over I hope to be able to freestyle with you again", he smiles as we stand in the middle of the room. 

"I hope so too! You guys have been so busy and I'm sure we'll be busy from now on too", I nod at him with a genuine smile. 

"I'm sure we can find some time when your promotions are over. When they told me about our new girl group debuting I just knew you were going to be in it! You're so talented!" I turn a little red again. These boys keep on showering me with their compliments. Too cute. 

In the end they have to go again and I feel completely drained of energy. There are so many of these guys and they keep on bouncing around. It's not just an image they uphold, they're really like this, always have been. It's fun to be with them, but they just suck all the energy from your body. 

"It was nice of them to come to wish us good luck", JiHee says with a small smile. I know she's been feeling better ever since she got to talk to her sister. 

"I hope they can make it to our debut showcase too", MiJin sits down in our circle of girls to complete it. 

"Well, Hansol promised me, so he better come through!" SooMi said with a glad expression. They've worked together in the past to write lyrics for various songs. That's why they're pretty close.

"SeungCheol promised me the same thing", I tell them and they know it's going to be okay from now on. Whenever he promises something to me, he comes through. "Well, since we're a bit more spirited, let's get to practice again!" 

The girls clap in excitement and get up. Our dance instructor doesn't come anymore since we know the dance and I can handle it. We get into formation and start practicing again. The girls are just glowing and finally getting it all right from the first try. It's nice to see them trying this hard. Having Seventeen come over was a really good idea. The manager did very good. 

Practice lasts until late at night. The manager was a little sick so he went home at 10 pm. Not that we minded, finally some freedom. We end it at 1 am. All of us are laughing while we exit the building. The figure standing in front of the building doesn't even stand out to me because of the fun I'm having with them. Suddenly the group comes to a halt and starts to fangirl like crazy. Shit. Seriously Wonho? Did they really have to see you? And why are you here? 

"Excuse me, I was wondering if I could borrow SeolHyun for a bit", he flashes them his biggest smile. They melt like cheese in the microwave. 

"O-of course!" MiJin stutters, she never stutters. Ever. That's the effect Wonho has on girls. Wonderful. 

I smile apologetically at the girls and follow Wonho to our spot at the fountain. He turns to face me and I put on a neutral expression. 

"Have you been avoiding me?" he asks, going straight to the point. He never was one to go around in circles much. 

"No, we've been very busy practicing. And the manager has been making sure we're getting enough sleep..." He's so full of himself if he thinks it's all about him again. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that I've been texting you like crazy and you haven't responded to a single one", he seems genuinely concerned for my well being. "And you've lost weight, again." He's not happy with that last part. At all. 

"I turned off my phone to avoid distractions. I don't really need it now anyways. I thought you were busy with preparing to come back too? Besides I need to focus", I'm only lying just a little bit. I turned it off to not have these memories again. He makes them come back. In floods. They've been drowining me. 

"Oh, you could've warned me?" he's kind of annoyed by now. 

"Well, I'm sorry for not informing you of every single detail of my life!" I lash out. He does not deserve this, but I'm in pain. Emotionally. The memories I've been getting have been nagging on my from the inside and seeing him doesn't make it any better. 

"Why are you getting so defensive right now?" His voice is soft as he tries to calm me down. He's always been very good with dealing with my moods. 

"It's not easy, okay?" I choke out, surprised that it even came out of my mouth.

"What isn't?" he's genuinely confused now. 

"Seeing you all of the damn time. As much as I like reminiscing about the past, it hurts too", I can't hold it all back anymore. 

"Do I bring back bad memories?" his voice is barely even a whisper. 

"Yes." The answer is short and simple, but loaded with such emotion. It's almost as if he got slapped across the face. 

"I'm sorry for making your life miserable then", he backs away a little, still hurt. 

"I didn't mean it like that, Wonho..." I shake my head and sink into the bench behind me. "I thought I'd gotten rid of them all." 

"You've just been ignoring your feelings", he states and sits down beside me. The hurt expression is still there, but mixed with understanding. 

"I know, but it has been working out pretty well for me until now", I put my head in my hands while I sigh. His hand is suddenly on my back, but I don't flinch. I let it rest there to comfort me. 

"You can't keep running from the past. I know how hard it's been, but you can't let it define you. This will not go away until you face your fears", Wonho is pretty wise for his age right now. I look up at him with expectant eyes. 

"I think I can't do it alone anymore..." I whisper and he pulls me in for a hug. 

"I'll be here for you, okay? This time I'm really not going anywhere. Promise." 

"I want to believe you, but it's hard, you know?" I spit out and feel him tense up all around me. 

"I know. I'm so sorry for ever leaving you", it's kind of heartbreaking to hear the tone he has now. 

"I'll be fine in time, just give me that", I plead and he lets go of me, way too soon if you ask me. 

We sit in silence for a while after that. Lately all of our moments together have been so full of emotion, it's been killing me. The constant suspense is nerve wrecking for the both of us. 

"By the way, did you really have to come here so the girls would see you?" I try to lighten the mood a little. 

"I wanted to see your reaction. And you couldn't run away from me if I was there right in front of you", he holds up his shoulders and smiles widely. 

"Good thinking. But now I'll have to face the interrogation squad back at the dorms", I sigh and groan afterwards. 

"Chill, it'll be okay", he laughs as he takes my hand and pulls me up. "Let's get you home." 

His hand is still in mine as we make our trek home. I don't let go and neither does he. These butterflies in my stomach are not caused by my friendly adoration towards him. And it scares me.


End file.
